on an evening in...

On A Evening In...Coffee Bean
...
Down each avenue or via, street or strata
You can see 'em disappearing two by two
On an evening in Roma
Do they take 'em for espresso
Yeah, I guess so
On each lover's arm a girl I wish I knew
On an evening in Roma ...(from Patrizio Buanne's song - i love him btw)
( We actually at Coffee Bean outlet, hueheh)...

we were really at Coffee Bean (kok bisa? tajir? nope, masalahnya gw punya dua lembar voucher gratis dua gelas moccha mudslide gratisan, wehehehe)

3.30 pm
M: so, how things work?
C: there was gravel but it was fine
-------- silent----------
M: i got these (the cups) for free
C: yeah, from one of your press conferences
M: yeah
--------silent-----------
I was nervous, i couldn't stop moving, je bougeais, it was annoying, for him, meanwhile i felt very uncomfortable, not because he was there, but something was wrong with my body.
My face got read, my eyes blurred, i tried to hold my tears.
He just sat there, calmly, he wasn't even look at me.
------
M: how come you didn't ask me anything? (with trembling voice and still holding my tears)
C: because you don't want to be asked
M: I am not (a lil' up set)
C: yes, you do
M: no, you just don...(cant hold my tears anymore)
and so i broke down and cried
He grabbed me tenderly, put my head on his shoulder
I held him tight and cried like a river (well, this is one of my hyperbole reaction, it was the disease...heeheehee)
---------silent-----well, my cry sounded badly btw.
M: i am sick
C: i know
M: no, you don't
C: if i ask you, you wont answer me, because i know it's just not how thing works for you
---I barely understood his words, but i was totally broke down, so i just cried...
C: i know you're sick, i don't know what kind of disease but i'll wait until you really want to talk about it
M: it's atonic
He held me tighter
M: you know what it is?
C: just a glance, it doesn't matter, you're the one who matters to me
M: this atonic looses my strength in sudden, i get weak totally, it was so weird
C: did you hurt? you fell or something?
M: thank God no, or maybe not yet (he touched my backhead and gently rubbed my neck)
He kissed my forehead. I held him tighter, and i felt warm.
---------------------------
C: you manage it well?
M: yes, but it's so weird what happens to me after the seizure. I loss my self confidence, it's just like there's nothing i can do. I feel powerless and useless, specially to people i care about. Guess this happens to all people with epilepsy or atonia. That's what i red from internet. What is so hard about this illness is to make sure people that its ok if you feel uncomfortable after the seizure and you'll be fine minutes after it.
C: what is exactly do you feel?
M: i don't know. alone, different, weak, and a trouble for my family.
C: you just have it about 5 months, time will sure you that it's not that bad. It's not the trouble you caused that your family's worried about, it's how to heal you sooner.
M: i know..i will
-------------------------
A girl from Coffee Bean came to us with a cup of hot tea.
M: sorry, but we don't order it
C: it was me. Drink it.
M: english breakfast?
C: no, Darjeeling, even better.
M: i drunk it and look deeply to his eyes from the corner of the cup.
The eyes that said "i love you"

6.45 pm
M: kok on time, tumben?
G: gak suka?
M: aneh aja, tadinya udah siap-siap mau baca djakarta! sambil nunggu kamu
G: gak terlalu sibuk, lagian sibuk juga gak apa, gw pasti datang lah
M: tapi beneran kan gak sibuk? kalau lagi deadline nggak apa kok, lagian...(interrupted by him)
G: stop it! gw udah ada di sini (his eyes looked me seriously, deeply, but not angry, his hands held mine)
M: it will be totally about me, gak apa kan?
G: emang bisa sama orang lain? pasti sama aku!
(i nodded, but then looked at my shoes, remembered what just happened an hour ago, at cafe that just only ten steps away from here)
M: mmm...yang kemaren-kemaren di status YM. Lagi sensi gak jelas nih, gak tahu mau cerita dari mana, pinginnya langsung nangis tapi kan gak bisa gitu yah, ntar kamu bingung.
G: gw gak mungkin bingung lagian kamu udh nangis juga kan, tuh matanya sembab.
(gosh, she knew i just cried. i was so scared he would ask when and with whom i cried to)
G: mau cerita gak? mau langsung nangis?
M: harus buru2 gitu yah? - mba, pesan..(interrupted again)
G: udah dipesenin, teh panas. mau coba darjeeling gak? enak loh. atau earl grey, cocok buat orang stress.
M: (sambil melotot) nggak, english breakfast aja deh
G: setia apa nggak kreatif tuh
M: enak aja!kamu juga nggak kreatif pesenin aku english breakfast kan akhirnya...
G: soalnya tahu banget jawabannya pasti "english breakfast aja deh" (sambil monyongin bibirnya imitating me, tapi perasaan bibir gw gak monyong ah)
G: Mba, bawain ice cube juga yah, sedikit aja.
i smiled to him, i love the way he said it, all he said about what i like and dislike. he's rude sometimes (according me) but he never push my button, he knows the limits and he knows well how to treat me---just like him---.
The cup arrived, he put two ice cubes in the cup, so the tea wasn't too hot.He pushed the cup closer to me. I drunk it. I felt something relaxing and smoothing inside my body. My throat felt comfortable, my mouth felt soft like a foam.
G: kenapa sih? kamu sakit, trus kenapa? gw kan udh bilang, penyakit kamu itu dijadiin sahabat, diajak idup bareng, berbagi semua kehidupan sama kamu, persis kayak aku, penyakit tapi nempel sama kamu.
M: kamu bukan penyakit, tahu!
G: ah, udah tahu jawabannya pasti gitu. tapi gw kan sama-sama bikin lemes kayak si atonia itu, iya kan?
M:apaan sih? jijik tahu!
G: gak ngerti gw, kenapa sih lo masih aja mikir naif gitu. I like it but i have to say that i'm not proud of it..
Air muka gw langsung berubah. Memerah (tapi kan gw kulitnya gelap yah, so probably browning...) dan mata gw nanar (pingin nangis, maklum lagi sensi gak jelas).
Tangan kirinya memeluk pinggang gw, kepalanya dideketin ke muka gw, hidungnya menyentuh telinga kanan gw.
G: kamu kan ngerti maksud gw, come on, hon...(suaranya yang lantang dan menggelegar langsung berubah halus dan lembut---untung sih secara dia ngomong pas kuping gw gituh). Sayangnya, air mata udah netes duluan (aargh, kadang gw juga jijay deh sama gw sendiri, sok melankolis banget sih, bok ya kuat dikit gitu lowh).
Jarinya nahan air mata gw, diusap ke arah atas dan menggosok lembut kedua mata gw, untungnya air mata gw trus brenti, kalau terus ngalir dia bakalan beneran kesel).
G: it's not you that i'm not proud about, it's your naive thought. masih takut kalau org denger pas bilang gw suka tetek kamu yang ukurannya pas buat tangan gw atau pas gw bilang kalau gw cinta mati sm lo hari ini tapi nggak tahu besok. lo masih aja suka nangis tapi liat dong, gw masih aja nempel sm kamu dua tahun terakhir ini. bodoh kan gw?
(dia emang selalu pake kata 'gw' untuk nyebut dirinya, tapi gak pernah bilang 'lhu/lo' sama gw. Dia bilang itu kasar, lhu atau lo bukan sebutan sm orang yang dia sayangin banget. Tapi dia gak bisa jadi sentimen atau romantis dengan nyebut dirinya 'aku', it's just not him. And it's not bothering me at all, gw nggak mau dia jadi gak nyaman atau gak jadi dirinya ketika bersama gw. Gak manggil gw 'lhu' aja gw pikir udh usaha keras dia supaya gak kasar sm gw. Dia emang orang 'jalanan'. Dulunya reporter trus jadi wartawan sampe sempet jadi fotografer segala. Medianya macem-macem, carut-marut, tapi pikiran dan tulisannya luar biasa. Temennya nggak sembarangan, mulai dari tukang sapu jalan sudirman sampe tukang sapu cendana, dari wong deso sampe pejabat tinggi. Belum lagi kerjaan 'ekstra' di luar kerjaan tetap dia. Yang lebih aneh lagi, dia cinta (hari ini entah besok) dan 'temen jalan' gw udah nyaris dua tahun. Apa sih artinya gw? bukan cuma fisik aja nggak ada keistimewaan, bahkan kalau ngobrol sm dia suka nggak nyambung. Anehnnya, dia nggak pernah bilang kalau obrolan kita nggak nyambung. Dia selalu bilang: seru ngobrol sama kamu, gw jawab A, kamu jawab Z, jauh banget tapi bukan berati nggak nyambung. Jawaban kamu ngegambarin pemikiran dan pribadi kamu. Jawaban kamu nggak pernah sempurna tapi nggak pernah salah, flawless". I barely understood, tapi dia kemudian terkekeh, "pasti nggak ngerti kan maksudnya? nggak apa, gak musti ngerti kok, gak musti bener, dan gak musti salah. Bener itu belum tentu bener, tapi salah itu sudah pasti bukan dosa". Tambah pusing gak sih lo? (----atau menurut Cita Cinta sih lelaki kadang gak terlalu suka sama cewek super yang tahu segala hal, apalagi mengalahkan sang cowok, bahkan cuma sebatas dalam pembicaraan. Nah, sama gw, dia gak mungkin ngerasa itu. Ibaratnya iklan di Hard Rock FM, kalau dia bilang: udah denger soal genosida waktu perang Irak-Iran dulu? Gw menjawab: ayang, ayang, genosida itu kan racun yang bisa bikin org mati yah? ---nah kayak gitu kali yah!).Trus, lebih gila lagi pas pertama kali kita ketemu di suatu liputan di mana gw pake celana yang panjangnya cuma sampe semata kaki. dia langsung ngedeketin dan nanya: " celananya kok ngatung?". gw jawab (dengan naif-nya, gw rasa dia pikir begitu waktu itu): "enak, gak panas, bahannya elatis, trus kayaknya kaki saya kelihatan lebih panjang". Dia ketawa ngakak. "kaki terlihat panjang maksudnya lebih jenjang dan seksi kan? Bukannya gak boleh yah membuat badan kamu tampak lebih seksi bagi orang lain?". Gue mengkerutkan kening, antara marah sama orang asing ini tapi juga nggak heran sih secara udah banyak banget yang nanya begitu. "I wore this because i want to. I didnt try to attract people's attention. I do what i want as long as not hurting people. Soal seksi, bukan buat orang, buat saya. saya jadi hepi, pede, dan nyaman menjalankan tugas". Jawaban itu menurut gue sudah sangat hebat dan puitis. Tapi dia malah ketawa ngakak. "What a bullshit", katanya. Tapi dia segera minta maaf, "sorry, trully. Nama gw Geb, kamu? gw anak Indonesian News (salah satu media besar dan bagus lah kira2), kamu?". Kenalan lah kita, dia minta email. kita mulai sering email-emailan, YM, setelah sekian lama baru dia minta telpon gw. Setelah nanya lewat sms, dia bakal telpon gw untuk waktu yang lama. Ngapain? dia ngajuin pertanyaan2 aneh untuk tahu pendapat gw atau soal tulisan yang dia bikin. Jawaban gw pasti bikin dia ngakak tapi kemudian bilang "satu hal yang gak pernah bisa gw tebak, pikiran kamu. But you make my job much easier, dear". Gak ngerti juga sih gw. Tahu gimana kita 'jadian'? Lebih aneh lagi. Dia minta sesuatu dengan kalimat paling aneh yang pernah gw denger, tanpa basa-basi. "Gw kayaknya jatuh cinta nih sama kamu. Hari ini sih pasti dan absolut deh gw cinta sama kamu. Gak tahu besok. Trus mau minta ijin, boleh yah sesekali megang tangan kamu? ngusap pipi kamu? ya, atau cium bibir kamu deh. Bukan apa-apa, soalnya cinta euy. Jadi gw ngelakuin itu dengan cinta. Kalau kamu ngebolehin, sekarang sih pingin ngusap pipi kamu, tapi kalau nggak ya nggak apa. Lain kali aja pas kamu mau dan pas gw lagi cinta yah". That's it. Lebih anehnya lagi, gue bilang gw juga cinta sm dia dan bilang boleh banget nyentuh pipi gw. So, he touched my cheek. Trus sambil matanya menatap mata gw dalem abess, dia bilang, "kenapa ni pipi tembem bikin gw hepi yah? bikin gw tenang dan bikin gw bahagia?", he was sooo silent, i think he was seriuosly serious at that moment.He touched my cheek just like people touched something sacred and he was fulfilled with joy (or it just me who felt that way? probably it was the first time man touched me like that, i mean it was like what..err...i dunno, something deep and sacred- i already mentioned it, rite?). Dan keanehan terus berjalan selama gw 'jalan' sm dia. Aneh banget deh tapi ternyata bisa juga lo hidup aneh selama nyaris 2 tahun.
-----back to the cafe-------
G: it is hard?
M: nggak sih, masih banyak yg lebih susah dari pada aku. Cuma bergantung pada obat adalah hal yang menyedihkan. Dan moody yang parah sampe kadang nyinggung orang lain jauh lebih menyiksa dari pada divonis atonia dan harus minum pil yang sumpah mahal banget. I become someone that rude, careless, i even yell at people.
G: It's oke. Kalau kamu lagi bad mood, telpon gw deh, marahin gw deh sepuasnya. Paling gw loudspeaker-in trus gw tinggal ngetik deh.
I chuckled.
He pulled me closer gently, kissed my forehead (the 2nd forehead kiss, ladies and gents-what a bitch!).
I looked at him. How about if one day he say: "i think i'm not in love with you anymore. Ternyata, kemarin adalah hari terakhir gw cinta sama kamu. I always be an honest people, to my self specially to others. So, i have to end our relationship". I think i'm going to collapse.
So, i held him. I don't care about my athonic. I just don't wanna loose him. Right now, today. Just like he said: i love him (too much) today. I can not say tomorrow...

a la suite...